Let’s Talk about Sex: 10 Common Misconceptions about Gay People, part 4

Three months ago, a very small percentage of the registered voters in North Carolina managed to pass an amendment to the state constitution that illegalized gay marriage. In the weeks leading up to the vote, I started a series of posts about some of the more common and frustrating myths about gay people. I got discouraged for a while and didn’t finish but I just got my second wind.

For those of you who missed the first 5 myths, here’s a quick recap:

1 – Being gay is a choice. Because somewhere between 2 and 10% of the general population so love being social pariahs, we’ve chosen to become lifelong targets of bigotry and hate.

2 – Lesbians want to be men. There are some people who are so enamored of their own exterior plumbing that they, and their followers, seem to believe that there are just 2 kinds of people in the world – men and the rest of us who are just sad that we don’t have a penis, too.

3 – Lesbians hate men. The rationale seems to go like this: Some women are so upset about not having a penis that they become angered with all men and sleep with women to spite the men. Or something like that. Bottom line is, women couldn’t possibly love other women. It must have something to do with the penis. (For the long version of the first 3 myths, see part 1 of this series, I Used to Be a Tomboy)

4 – Being gay is a mental illness. In spite the fact that the American Psychiatric Association defines homosexuality as a normal variant of human sexual behavior, there are a lot of people out there who just “know” that gay people are sick, just like they “know” the earth was created 6,000 years ago and all the fossils in the world are just an elaborate hoax and proof of a vast conspiracy against God-fearing, extremist Christians. (For the long version, see part 2, Who’s a Heretic?)

5- The Bible says that being gay is morally wrong or evil. To borrow a line from Shakespeare, “The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose,” and it would appear that he does, every day, from the pulpits and altars of churches all over our country. (See part 3, The Bible Tells Me So)

So moving on. Here’s another of my favorite myths to hate:

6- Being gay is just about sex. Now doesn’t this seem a teensy bit like the pot calling the kettle black?One of the best ways to undermine an opponent, apart from demonizing them, is to minimize them, as this little myth tries to do. It separates sexuality and romantic, spiritual love. But only for gay people.

So when the subject is heterosexuality, sex and love are two sides of the same coin. And the fact that so many of straight people spend their single youth doing it like randy bunnies with anyone who will get into bed with them, that breaking faith with one’s wife or husband just to have sex with someone new is commonplace in our heterosexual culture, or that the huge pornography industry was built mostly on the desires of straight men – none of this refutes that notion that heterosexual sex is all about choosing and remaining dedicated to a spiritual soulmate? But being gay is just about sex. Gotcha.

7- Gay people are promiscuous. Yes we are. As a generalization, I accept this one. Now that I’ve just pissed off some of my fellow lesbians out there, let me explain why:  Because people in general are promiscuous. I know it. You know it. We all know it.

Really, Ted?! You’re talking to your children!

That’s why popular American culture is steeped in sex. That’s why these TV shows like Friends, Sex in the City, and Two and a Half Men were so popular. There’s even a popular show with the unabashed premise that the main character is telling his future children about the sexual exploits of he and his friends as a necessary preface to the story of how he fell in love with their mother. I’m not judging here. I loved Friends and I like How I Met Your Mother. (Well, except for that telling it to the kids part.)

But these shows aren’t really about friendship or love or family or the complexities of modern living. They’re about sex. (And call me a prude, but I can’t believe what they can say on prime time TV now.) Whatever else happens in each episode, sex is the tent pole that holds these shows up. (Who thinks that’s a phallic reference?) Without the pretty people having sex or talking about sex, the whole thing collapses.

Got to admit I love the irony of an actor who is gay and a committed family man playing a straight man whore.

My point is, human beings (especially young ones) are obsessed with sex. Our lives revolve around it. Except for maybe food, it seems to be the single most motivating force in our lives. And that makes sense. Nature designed it that way so we wouldn’t die off. But let’s get real here. Gay people are not any more (or less) promiscuous than straight people. We just prefer different partners.

A note for the romantics:  This generalized view of human promiscuity does not call attention to the inevitable exceptions. They’re called women. Okay, feminists, that was a joke. Kind of. I’m not trying to minimize the female libido. I’m sure there are plenty of randy women out there, too.

But there are still those of us who prefer the romantic notion that sex is just a part of the whole love thing. I am one of those. I was never promiscuous, am completely convinced that I’ve spent the last 12 years with my soulmate (a woman with whom I share much more than a sex life), and have no desire to sleep with anyone other than her for the rest of my life.

The Bible Tells Me So: 10 Common Misconceptions about Gay People, part 3

5- The Bible says that being gay is morally wrong or evil. Let me set the scene. It’s Saturday morning and I’m relaxing over my third cup of coffee and just ridiculously happy that I didn’t have to drive a carpool to school. My family is still asleep and I’m celebrating the solitude by reading my favorite blogs and posting goofy, fun things on Facebook (Star Wars for my boys, photos for Mom). It’s gloriously quiet. I can hear the birds singing.

Our dogs go nuts at the front window. I tell them to hush which they do and I walk over to congratulate them on being good puppies. They wag and whine to express their fervent desire to continue their barking frenzy. I shush them and we look out the window together. And then I kind of wish I had let them keep barking.

An unfamiliar car is parked in front of our house and four people are getting out. They are all dressed in their Sunday best and toting Bibles. Great, I think. They all head down the street, and I suppose their intention is to work their way back to the car. At least I don’t have to deal with them right now. I call the dogs to the kitchen to get a treat.

Have you ever tried to debate a Bible-toter who came knocking on your door to spread the Word of God as they see it? I did once about 20 years ago and never will again. Why? You know why. Zealots of the kind who will actually go door-to-door in their eagerness to preach at people can’t be debated for two reasons that I can see. First, because they believe in a way that has nothing to do with logic or evidence that theirs is the one true way. And second, because they have no respect at all for your right to believe something different. You can talk until you’re blue in the face. It won’t matter. They’ve come to your door to preach at you, not to listen.

Nothing you say is going to change that. You can point out that the word “Bible” does not refer to one text agreed upon by all Christians – that not only do the content and order of the individual books vary among versions, the Biblical canon (the books actually included in the Bible) differs as well. The contents of complete Christian Bibles vary from 66 books to 81 books. “Which is the true Bible?” you might ask. Your zealot will simply answer, “Mine is.”

You can dispute the idea that the authors of the Bible were divinely inspired and therefore infallible. What evidence do you have, you might ask, that God guided the authors to write down his word? “Look,” your visitor will say, opening his Bible and pointing. “It says so right here.”

You can ask about the translators. Were they divinely inspired too? Most of the Old Testament was originally written in Hebrew or Aramaic. Early Christians wrote the New Testament in Greek and translated the Bible into several other languages. St. Jerome by order of the Pope translated the whole mess (with help) into Latin. Much later, after the Protestant revolution there were an incredible number of English language translations. Seems like a lot of room for error there, doesn’t it?

And, you might ask, how about the scribes who hand-copied the early books complete with errors and edits? Over time, different versions (each with their own set of omissions and additions) evolved in different regions. Were they all divinely inspired? “The Bible,” your self-righteous visitor might tell you, “is the word of God and free from errors in spiritual matters.”

“So let’s talk interpretation,” you might say to your uninvited guest. To understand any written work, the reader must have some understanding of the context in which it was written. That’s why an average American can’t just read through one of Shakespeare’s plays without being terribly confused. Unless you have some really good footnotes and a primer on the history of Elizabethan England, you aren’t going understand the original intent or meaning. And you’re going to miss out on all the good jokes. But your guest won’t laugh, only smile beatifically.

You can argue that Old Testament contains more murder, rape, depravity, general cruelty, and wanton violence than a Quentin Tarantino movie and how a strictly literal interpretation of such a text is dangerous and a bit like your kid continuing to believe in fairy tales once he’s grown up. You can point out that the harsh God of the Old Testament who seems to either perpetrate or instigate much of the violence and demands unquestioning obedience and sacrifice from his subjects doesn’t seem much in line with the forgiving God of the Gospels at all. And you can note that the Gospels themselves were written until decades after the fact, that the original texts were lost, and that other apocryphal gospels have been found that were left out of the Bible altogether. Your porch-preacher will just smile and tell you that you have obviously misinterpreted the word of the Lord.

So I’m not going to talk about the Bible because it just won’t matter. I’m not going to argue that for every seeming admonishment against homosexuals in Leviticus, you will also find prohibitions against tattoos, eating rare meat, wearing clothes made from a blend of textiles, or eating pigs, rabbits and any seafood that doesn’t have fins and scales. It’s all a part of a Holiness Code that is no longer used by Christian churches. I’m not going to mention passages in Deuteronomy or Romans or others that are also used as truncheons to bash gay people in God’s name, or point out the problems with the translations and interpretations of those passages. I won’t remind you all that a true study of the Bible must involve an attempt to understand the languages and historical context. If you approach the Bible with a preconceived idea of what you will (or want) to find there, you will likely find it. So I won’t ask, “Is it a ‘Christian’ thing to do, to weaponize the Bible?”

None of this really matters, anyway. What really matters is how you decide to treat the people you share the planet with. And if you really want to use a Christian Bible as your moral compass, it seems best to me to focus on the parts that define a Christian – the words of Jesus as reported by the Gospels. Turn the other cheek. Treat others as you would be treated. Compassion, tolerance. This seems pretty straight forward to me. So don’t you think it’s time for Christians to take the Bible back from the bigots and the haters?

Who’s a Heretic? 10 Common Misconceptions about Gay People, Part 2

My partner and I are very fortunate to have loving, supportive families and friends. But there are a lot of people out there who have some pretty outlandish ideas about who we are based solely on the fact that we are gay. So I thought I would try to clear some of these up. Here’s part two of my list of just a few of the myths and misapprehensions about gay people.

4- Being gay is a mental illness.– Almost 500 years ago, in 1543 (the year of his death), Nicolaus Copernicus did something no one had ever done before.

Picture of a small orrery
Picture of a small orrery – a mechanical device
 that shows the workings of a solar system based
 on a heliocentric model (via Wikipedia)
 

He presented the world with an astronomical model which placed the sun, not the earth as commonly believed, at the center of the universe. Heliocentrism was not a new idea but no one before had come up with a mathematical model that worked – that actually predicted the motions of the planets in the night sky. Copernicus’ did. Mostly.

There was one missing piece which Johannes Kepler provided the following century when he figured out the elliptical nature of the planet’s orbits and expanded on the Copernican model. Kepler’s contemporary, Galileo, now known as the “father of observational astronomy,” championed the improved Copernican model. As a result, in 1633, the Roman Inquisition put him on trial for heresy, forced him to recant his views, and placed him under house arrest for the rest of his life.

Uncensored versions of Copernicus’s De Revolutionibus orbium coelestium and Galileo’s Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems remained on the church’s Index of Forbidden Books until 1835. For 200 years, the immensely powerful church devoted its resources to preventing people from learning the truth. It wasn’t until 2000, almost 400 years after the trial of Galileo that the Church admitted any wrong-doing when Pope John Paul II issued a kind of general apology for all the wrongs of the church over its 2,000- year existence including Galileo’s persecution.

Like the Catholic Church, some people just don’t like to admit when they’re wrong even in the face of overwhelming evidence. And that’s why I think that this misguided notion that being gay is a mental illness is still out there, even though it has no basis in reality. Fortunately, the kind of control the Catholic Church had over information during the Renaissance is now impossible, because now we have the internet. Anywhere people can get to a computer with internet access, they can swim oceans of digitized information. In the U.S., even if you can’t afford a computer, anyone can go to a public library and get online. And you can read things like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association (APA).

The APA removed homosexuality from the DSM almost 40 years ago in 1973. One disorder that remains in the DSM is the source of some confusion. Gender Identity disorder (GID) is a diagnosis used to describe people who are discontent with their biological gender and/or the gender they were assigned at birth.

I believe the feelings transgendered individuals experience are legitimate and that they should have the right to live as they please and do with their bodies as they see fit, but this is a separate issue from homosexuality. Being gay has nothing to do with wanting to change your gender. As I wrote in part one, I am a lesbian because I love women, not because I want to be a man.

via zazzle.com

The stance of the APA today is that homosexuality is a normal variant of sexual behavior. If you go to the APA’s website, you can read this: “Lesbian, gay, and bisexual orientations are not disorders. Research has found no inherent association between any of these sexual orientations and psychopathology. Both heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior are normal aspects of human sexuality.” Yes, you read that correctly. It said “normal.” The APA also asserts to need to remove “the stigma of mental illness that has long been associated with lesbian, gay, and bisexual orientations.”

Stay tuned for part 3 of “10 Common Lies Misconceptions about Gay People

I Used to Be a Tomboy: 10 Common Misconceptions about Gay People

I have always been amazed at how remarkably interested perfect strangers seem to be in my sex life. That’s the problem with being gay. Not only do people choose to believe all sorts of pretty ridiculous things about you, they’re constantly trying to tell you what those things are.

And they go out of their way to do it. They drive by gay bars in pick-up trucks, chuck beer bottles at anyone walking in from the parking lot, shout various epithets, and speed off. They stand on sidewalks on college campuses clutching a Bible and shouting at passers-by about Sodom and Gomorrah. They stand for hours in the hot sun outside gay pride events toting hand-lettered signs expressing their interpretation of God’s particular tastes (i.e. “God hates queers”).  All of this because a few of us prefer partners of the same gender. When you think about it, you have to wonder what all the fuss is about.

So with the vote on Amendment One (which would make gay marriage in the state of North Carolina illegal twice over) fast approaching, I thought I would dispel a few of the misconceptions about gay folks like me.

1 – Being gay is a choice.  Gay people are demonized in churches and legislative houses. They are disowned by their families, fired from jobs, snubbed by neighbors, dishonored by the military, and generally victimized by bullies and haters of all kinds. There is often such a high cost for being openly gay that some people will stay closeted for their entire lives rather than pay it. Yet, still, there are people who insist that gay men and lesbians choose to be gay.

So let me ask all of you, would you choose it? The only choice a gay man or lesbian really has is whether to be true to our feelings and live as we are or to conform to society’s expectations, stuff what we feel, and live a lie regardless of the personal cost.

2 – Lesbians want to be men. When I was five years old, I wanted very much to be a Cub Scout like my big brothers. I was told only boys could be Cub Scouts. I was crushed. When I was old enough to join the girl scouts and be a Brownie, I happily signed up. But the Brownies weren’t like the Cub Scouts. They didn’t get those cool yellow kerchiefs and blue shirts and caps. They wore brown dresses and beanies. I was mortified.

But my mom said, give it a chance so I did, but not once did I get to make a balsa wood model racecar. My troop just sat around singing Kumbaya and playing stupid party games. I hated it. It was my first inkling that I wasn’t like the other girls. I grew up happily wearing my brothers’ hand-me-down dungarees and playing with their hand-me-down Matchbox cars. When I was 25, my mom was still telling people that I still hadn’t outgrown my tomboy stage. I’m 46 now, and I still haven’t.

Yes, that’s me about 15 years ago and yes,
that is a dinosaur footprint.

So I have to tell you. I have always coveted boys’ clothes and toys. To me, they are more comfortable and more fun. (From the first time I almost broke my ankle in high heels and nursed sore toes for a week after wearing the evil things for an evening, I knew that “girl” clothes would never be for me.) But a girl who wants to wear jeans and have a cool pocketknife is still a girl. Not once have I ever, and I think I would know, wanted a penis. So no, I have never wanted to be a man. But I did want very much to be a Cub Scout.

3 – Lesbians hate men. This one is kind of funny to me because of all my women friends, gay and straight, it is by far the straight women who trash men the most. (Sorry guys, but it’s true.)

As for me, well, I love women. And that has nothing to do with hating men. Actually, it has nothing to do with men at all – that’s kind of the point. And I think that pisses off some men. I don’t know why. Maybe they perceive lesbians as competition. (We’re not, you know. Well, except for the bisexual women. But I think true bisexuals are rare. So mostly, the women who dated me were never going to date you.) Or maybe the chest-beaters out there don’t like the idea that two women can be happy together without a man. Honestly, I think that’s it.

I can see now, that this is going to take more than one post. Stay tuned for part two of 10 Stupid Common Misconceptions about Gay People. (Don’t go away now. Tomorrow, we tackle Leviticus. Whee.)

And remember, if you live in North Carolina, the polls are open for early voting!

She Said, She Said

One of the things I hoped would come of this blog is that it would help people see that our family is not so very different from “traditional” families. My partner suggested this topic to show that our relationship is not so very different from heterosexual relationships, either. We’re just two people who love each other, and just like other couples, we sometimes have some difficulty communicating clearly:

What she/I said:                                                    What she/I meant:

I got this on sale! I spent way too much money.
That’s nice, honey. I stopped listening 5 minutes ago.
This is a relationship, not a competition. I’m so winning.
I cleaned the boys’ bathroom. I am a saint.
The dog vomited in the living room. It’s your turn.
No, I don’t mind at all. You owe me big. 
You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday. I want something that’s not too expensive but thoughtful enough to show me just how much you love me.
I don’t care. Yes I do.
I’m not mad. You’re in deep shit.
I’m really sorry. Aw c’mon. That was funny.
No, I don’t think you’re fat! I think you’re beautiful.*

*I bet you think I copped out on this one, don’t you? I didn’t. I’m just that lucky.

My next t-shirt.

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