A Brief Glossary of Lies Women Tell Themselves When They Join a Gym

The   lie: What   they’re really thinking:


I’d love to go to the gym with you.>>> I’d rather have a root canal.


I’m doing this to feel better, not to lose weight.>>> I just want to be skinny.


I had a great workout and I feel exhilarated.>>> I think I’m going to vomit.


The elliptical machine is a fun challenge.>>> The elliptical machine is a Satanic plot.


I enjoyed that Yoga class.>>> Please take me to the emergency room.


My aerobics instructor inspires me.>>> I hate that skinny b****.


Weight training is empowering.>>> Weight training f***g hurts.


My workout clothes are so comfortable and liberating.>>> I feel like a sofa in spandex.


I lost 4 lbs. last month and I’m proud of myself.>>> Please shoot me now. This is going to take forever.

The Starbucks cookie bag I composed this post on

Leave a comment


  1. I liked the picture. Apparently I’m not alone after all.

  2. This is so very true! I started an at home workout plan and I do like the workouts most of the time but sometimes I think it is going to freaking kill me and I hate all the people on the videos and books. Too friggin perky and their level of fitness angers me.

    • The last time I joined a gym, there was this ridiculously fit, perky young woman who would work out so vigorously on the elliptical that her ponytail would bounce back and forth. I hated that ponytail. I’m right there with you. Thanks for reading.

  3. How hysterical–especially that you composed the post on cookie bag! I’m with you–I am so with you!

    • Hi again Kathy! My partner gets the credit for the picture. When I showed her my cookie bag she said I had to post a photo. As for the gym, I think I will probably just keep to the bikes and the treadmills and avoid all classes that involve bouncing and/or bending in unnatural ways and I should be okay. Going tomorrow. Wish me luck.

  4. Sherrie stringer

     /  March 1, 2012

    Dang Tori…this is hilarious and so true. I do encourage you to give yoga class a try, however. I am about to start my 4th month and absolutely love it. It is so good for the spirit and mind as well as the body.

    • Hi Coppertop! I am genuinely glad you are enjoying your class, but you know I am not as bendy as you. I still have the Rodney Yee dvd I will try to do at home but I don’t think I’m up for the whole public group yoga thing yet.

  5. S Foy

     /  March 1, 2012

    “I hate that skinny b****” Hahahaha! Awesome!

    • Yeah, we hate them. Hey, wait a minute. You’re pretty darn fit and skinny. S’okay, though, cousin. You’re family so I guess I can overlook it. Thanks, as always, for being such a great cheering section and sharing this stuff with your friends. (Some of whom are becoming my friends. Cool. I have friends I’ve never met.)

  6. thank you for including the starbucks cookie bag – fabulous art

    • Credit goes to my partner for that for telling me to to post a photo. And because I had nothing else in the car to write on while I waited for her at the doctor’s office yesterday. I do kind of like my cookie bag now, but hadn’t thought of it as art. You think so? I have really enjoyed your art, though. It makes me look for connections and stimulates my imagination. Thanks for sharing and for reading, Mary.

  7. I can totally relate!!!!!! So glad I found your blog!

  8. OMG – I am NOT alone!!! I feel more like a sausage in spandex and why oh why does there need to be mirrors in a gym classroom. The scale has been creeping along for me and I wish the fat could just be sucked out at times. Thanks for sharing – love it!

  9. Right there with you, sister. Thanks for reading.

  10. As much as I enjoyed your post about to-do lists (congrats on being Freshly Pressed!), this was the one that made me an official follower. Today, my S.O. and I actually had to “shake on it” to agree to go to the gym – tomorrow. At this point I’m kind of regretting shaking his hand.

    • I was supposed to go today, and here I am sitting in my favorite chair (because I am old enough to have one of those). Be strong. I’m not due to go with my partner until Saturday and then I can’t back out. Thanks for reading and following!

  11. Oh god this is so apt! Please stop by and read my It’s a Wonderful LIfe blog post: “My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Fat”. Frankly I couldnt agree more that gyms have a lot to do with satanic plots x

    • Gyms are places of pain and self-torture. And I’m definitely going tomorrow. Almost positive. I will definitely stop by your blog. Thanks for reading!

      • Good luck with the gym sesh brave one!

      • Hope you survived the gym! Thanks for stopping by 🙂 have added you to the blog roll so more people get the chance to read your work :))))) Take care x

      • Thank you! And surviving the gym is a relative thing, isn’t it? I’m still trying to reach that point where working out makes me feel better, not broken. Thanks for writing. I enjoyed your blog and I’ll be back.

  12. ontheothersideofsomeday

     /  March 6, 2012

    great blog! and i love that you wrote this on a cookie bag. great stuff.

  13. Inspiration hits anywhere! Cookie bags and exercise…they so go together. Funny stuff!

  14. I LOVED this! thank you! (I can’t stop laughing…)

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