A Brief Glossary of Lies Women Tell Themselves When They Join a Gym

The   lie: What   they’re really thinking:
 

 

I’d love to go to the gym with you.>>> I’d rather have a root canal.
 

 

I’m doing this to feel better, not to lose weight.>>> I just want to be skinny.
 

 

I had a great workout and I feel exhilarated.>>> I think I’m going to vomit.
 

 

The elliptical machine is a fun challenge.>>> The elliptical machine is a Satanic plot.
 

 

I enjoyed that Yoga class.>>> Please take me to the emergency room.
 

 

My aerobics instructor inspires me.>>> I hate that skinny b****.
 

 

Weight training is empowering.>>> Weight training f***g hurts.
 

 

My workout clothes are so comfortable and liberating.>>> I feel like a sofa in spandex.
 

 

I lost 4 lbs. last month and I’m proud of myself.>>> Please shoot me now. This is going to take forever.

The Starbucks cookie bag I composed this post on

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33 Comments

  1. I liked the picture. Apparently I’m not alone after all.

    Reply
  2. This is so very true! I started an at home workout plan and I do like the workouts most of the time but sometimes I think it is going to freaking kill me and I hate all the people on the videos and books. Too friggin perky and their level of fitness angers me.

    Reply
    • The last time I joined a gym, there was this ridiculously fit, perky young woman who would work out so vigorously on the elliptical that her ponytail would bounce back and forth. I hated that ponytail. I’m right there with you. Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  3. How hysterical–especially that you composed the post on cookie bag! I’m with you–I am so with you!
    Kathy

    Reply
    • Hi again Kathy! My partner gets the credit for the picture. When I showed her my cookie bag she said I had to post a photo. As for the gym, I think I will probably just keep to the bikes and the treadmills and avoid all classes that involve bouncing and/or bending in unnatural ways and I should be okay. Going tomorrow. Wish me luck.
      Tori

      Reply
  4. Sherrie stringer

     /  March 1, 2012

    Dang Tori…this is hilarious and so true. I do encourage you to give yoga class a try, however. I am about to start my 4th month and absolutely love it. It is so good for the spirit and mind as well as the body.

    Reply
    • Hi Coppertop! I am genuinely glad you are enjoying your class, but you know I am not as bendy as you. I still have the Rodney Yee dvd I will try to do at home but I don’t think I’m up for the whole public group yoga thing yet.

      Reply
  5. S Foy

     /  March 1, 2012

    “I hate that skinny b****” Hahahaha! Awesome!

    Reply
    • Yeah, we hate them. Hey, wait a minute. You’re pretty darn fit and skinny. S’okay, though, cousin. You’re family so I guess I can overlook it. Thanks, as always, for being such a great cheering section and sharing this stuff with your friends. (Some of whom are becoming my friends. Cool. I have friends I’ve never met.)

      Reply
  6. thank you for including the starbucks cookie bag – fabulous art

    Reply
    • Credit goes to my partner for that for telling me to to post a photo. And because I had nothing else in the car to write on while I waited for her at the doctor’s office yesterday. I do kind of like my cookie bag now, but hadn’t thought of it as art. You think so? I have really enjoyed your art, though. It makes me look for connections and stimulates my imagination. Thanks for sharing and for reading, Mary.

      Reply
  7. I can totally relate!!!!!! So glad I found your blog!

    Reply
  8. OMG – I am NOT alone!!! I feel more like a sausage in spandex and why oh why does there need to be mirrors in a gym classroom. The scale has been creeping along for me and I wish the fat could just be sucked out at times. Thanks for sharing – love it!

    Reply
  9. Right there with you, sister. Thanks for reading.

    Reply
  10. As much as I enjoyed your post about to-do lists (congrats on being Freshly Pressed!), this was the one that made me an official follower. Today, my S.O. and I actually had to “shake on it” to agree to go to the gym – tomorrow. At this point I’m kind of regretting shaking his hand.

    Reply
    • I was supposed to go today, and here I am sitting in my favorite chair (because I am old enough to have one of those). Be strong. I’m not due to go with my partner until Saturday and then I can’t back out. Thanks for reading and following!

      Reply
  11. Oh god this is so apt! Please stop by and read my It’s a Wonderful LIfe blog post: “My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Fat”. Frankly I couldnt agree more that gyms have a lot to do with satanic plots x

    Reply
    • Gyms are places of pain and self-torture. And I’m definitely going tomorrow. Almost positive. I will definitely stop by your blog. Thanks for reading!

      Reply
      • Good luck with the gym sesh brave one!

      • Hope you survived the gym! Thanks for stopping by 🙂 have added you to the blog roll so more people get the chance to read your work :))))) Take care x

      • Thank you! And surviving the gym is a relative thing, isn’t it? I’m still trying to reach that point where working out makes me feel better, not broken. Thanks for writing. I enjoyed your blog and I’ll be back.

  12. ontheothersideofsomeday

     /  March 6, 2012

    great blog! and i love that you wrote this on a cookie bag. great stuff.

    Reply
  13. Inspiration hits anywhere! Cookie bags and exercise…they so go together. Funny stuff!

    Reply
  14. I LOVED this! thank you! (I can’t stop laughing…)

    Reply
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